It Hurts to Be Half Human by Dr Amy Kenny

‘I feel bad saying it, but I feel uncomfortable around disabled people,’ this pastor confesses, his coffee breath bathing the space between us. I scan the faces in this 7am meeting to find others nodding, lips pursed, with one even praising this pastor’s honesty for admitting it. ‘Grateful we have a team where we can be honest,’ one of them reassures him. Honesty is the new bigotry, I guess.

We’re discussing our response to a guy in our church complaining that talking about disability isn’t the gospel; that it makes him uncomfortable if he can’t say ‘lame’ around me; that he shouldn’t have to ‘edit’ himself at church simply because I am disabled. His mouth didn’t say ‘Get behind me Satan,’ but his eyes did.

It turns out it’s not just the man who complained about me – a visibly disabled woman who uses a mobility scooter – serving at church. One of our pastors also feels uncomfortable with disabled people. Most people are too embarrassed to say that part out loud. I feel it in every awkward stare, every pity-filled interaction, every dismissive pat on the head like I am a ‘good dog,’ but most churchgoers won’t admit their discomfort with disability. Guess honesty is the new bigotry.

I keep waiting for someone to interject, to point out how sinful this is, to act like the disability allies they claim to be. I keep waiting for someone to follow Jesus and care about the least of these. I fear I will always be waiting.

I am jolted back to the meeting when this pastor asks me how Jesus might respond in love to our ‘brother in Christ’ who is uncomfortable with disabled people. Somehow ‘brothering’ is used to distract from Othering. Matthew 25 is the first thing that comes to mind, from the ASV: Amy Standard Version: ‘Depart from me, for I used a wheelchair, and you gave me no ramp. I needed an accessible bathroom, and you said it was too expensive. I asked you not to insult me by saying lame and you laughed at me. I just wanted to be included, and you said it made you uncomfortable. Whatever you did for disabled people, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25:41-45, revised). Too bad Jesus makes his pastor uncomfortable.

I wish I could say that these comments don’t affect me, that I know better, that it doesn’t smell like Jesus, but the truth is, it hurts. It hurts to know that my body, a core part of my identity that I didn’t chose and cannot change, is a disagreement, a defect, a demonic curse to many who call themselves my siblings in Christ. It hurts to know that there is nothing I can ever do or say to endow myself with humanity in their eyes. It hurts to be half human.

Dr Amy Kenny
Dr Amy Kenny is a disabled scholar and a Shakespeare lecturer who hates Hamlet. Her work has been featured in Huff Post, Teen Vogue, The Mighty, and Sojourners. Her book, My Body is Not a Prayer Request: Disability Justice in the Church comes out with Brazos in May 2022. Dr Kenny has contributed an article to Issue 32 of Preach magazine, Disability, out autumn 2022.